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Advice On The Essay by Ben Jones

The rules are simple: write your own.

September 25, 2007

• in Admissions ,
• Best of the Blogs ,
• Process & Statistics

I recently opened my in-box to find an email from someone who "would love to interview an admissions officer from your prestigious university to measure the impact of the admissions essay on today's college applicant." The email included a bunch of questions.

Seemed harmless enough, so without thinking too much about it, I wrote the following in response:

Essays are a wonderful way to connect with the selection committee on a human level, i.e. beyond all of the test scores, grades, etc – so we read them very carefully. Quite simply, we are looking for the applicant's true voice when we read his or her essay. Not some perfect piece of prose worthy of a magazine, or something that has been edited and edited and edited by a variety of different people. Just a voice, and therefore, a connection. We can always tell when an applicant's essay has been edited to be something other than his or her true voice.

Encourage students to write from the heart and to not have their essays edited by any counselor, service, parent, etc – I can't speak for all schools, but here at MIT, that's what we're looking for.

Best wishes, Ben

After sending the email I got curious about the URL in the recipient's email address, so I checked out the site. Turns out it's run by a "team of professional journalists" who will help you craft the perfect essay… for a price, of course. (Anywhere from a few bucks for basic proofreading to three figures for a full-blown rewrite – the irony being this: the more you pay, the less it will be your voice!)

Oooops. I guess my response wasn't very helpful to them. But hopefully it will be helpful to you.

The rules are simple: write your own essays. That's the best advice anyone can give to you. Your application is full of grades and test scores and teachers writing things about you and interviewers writing things about you and things inferred from your participation in clubs and sports and whatever else you do… the essay is the one place where you get to say "hey, I'm a human being, let me connect with you on that level, here is my voice, here is who I am." That's all we're really looking for.

To clarify, I'm not telling you to shut your parents or counselors out of the process entirely. It's always nice to have someone look over your writing and fix the things that spell-check doesn't catch, like when you spell "here" as "hear" or "their" as "there" or "they're." Or, if you're so close to an experience that you take for granted that the reader will know what you're talking about, it's nice to have someone say "don't take for granted that your reader will know what you're talking about." Stuff like that is fine.

But there's a big difference between those little things and the act of someone else rewriting your essay for you to the point that it's no longer your work – or, even worse, your voice. So don't go there.

To summarize: be yourself, and let your essay be a perfect window into that person. You're the best only person who can truly translate that into words.

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65 responses to “Advice On The Essay”

Great advice. Thanks.

Thanks for the great advice, came at a very good time too!

So true Ben. And really, I don’t get it; I *want* to be the one writing my essay, how could anyone else write what I want to say? Even though I’m not such a great writer, it’s the one part of the application that I’m actually excited to write. Although I’ll probably be singing a very different tune in a month or two, after 20 drafts of the essay, when I still can’t get my point across like I want to…

Mmmmmmmmmmmm, essays.

Uhm… Yeah… this is second thing hear from MIT about essays in two days. The first one was about MIT and several other schools(but mostly MIT) not taking SAT essay into account when decision time comes. Looks like MIT is really taking this seriously.

Great advices Ben ! A little to late for me ^^’ but still great advices !

This IS good advice. EVERYONE, FOLLOW IT.

I had a particularly awesome English teacher sophomore year, so I asked her to edit my essays. She never changed much – usually, my issues were minor grammatical errors (COMMAS) or just putting random words down. In the past I’ve written…

“Cherry personality” instead of a “cheery” one “Saving American livers” instead of “lives” Etc etc.

And then there was the optional essay, which I wrote the night of submission on a whim and therefore was not edited.

Oh applications.

BEN JONES IS GOD DO AS HE SAYS. Just a suggestion.

I SECOND THE MOTION THAT BEN JONES IS GOD.

I KEEP TRYING TO VISIT YOU BUT YOU’RE NEVER IN YOUR OFFICE GOD!

I’ve heard a story about someone who wrote that he “tortured students every day after school.”

Sort of makes you wonder if he was actually a good tutor, doesn’t it?

Ha, essays!

I kind of have to agree with Snively and Harrison on this one, Ben is God, listen to him. Write from the heart, don’t write whatever you think they want to read about. Try to make it easier for them to read your essay; reading the 1,037th essay about how your father is your biggest role model is kind of lame (unless, of course, you write a kick-ass essay about your dad that somehow stands out from the rest). Choose a topic that describes you in the most unique way, whatever it may be. My essay was a little tragic, but I know people that wrote fantastic funny essays and got into their top choice. Point is, use your essay as a way for them to get to know you!

lol! Love the irony.

Thanks a ton Ben(or God, should I say?;)!!! Its fantastic how MIT throws a completely new light onto the application essay. Hope all the applicants this season do exactly as you say.(Come on ppl!…Its “Gods wish!”..haha:D)

Thanks a lot Ben. Your advice will be very helpful to poor souls like us who are still trying to figure out what kind of essay should we write because we don’t want anyone else to fabricate our essays. By the way, though its good that you found out who those guys were (who sent that email), i hope that you don’t start doubting/ignoring all the emails your receive. Still, most of the applicants do need your advice many a times, be it through blogs or emails or personal meetings. here’s a bow to GOD. Good bye. Take care.

http://mit.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2223270251

@Sanja – MIT will not use your Literature score for the admissions decision. They only require a Math and a Science subject test, so that’s what they’ll be looking at.

Thank you so much!

I just started part II of my application, and your entry came just in time! ^.^

Thanks again! -Josh

Do you know anything about sending in essays separately? The MyMIT account sent my Part II before I’d attached the essay. Of course, it was probably just my own mistake and had nothing to do with the account, but I still want to send my essay!

And yes, a vegetable metaphor was completely necessary to express my point.

Ah, this is indeed a truly refreshing perspective.

It takes off the usual weight put on the essay by faculty and fellow students; allowing us to be ourselves.

But, alas, what if I tend to write meticulously enough for a paper to seem déjà revised?

Hey Caitlin – yikes! Probably the simplest way to send in your essay it is to send a hard copy of the essay to the Admissions Office (address is at the bottom of the page), perhaps with a cover letter explaining your situation.

You can also email or call the Admissions Office, and I’m sure someone will be able to help you more specifically.

Hi Ben, thx a lot for your advice. appreciate it..By the way, do you mind to furnish me with more information about what kind of person MIT basically is looking for?and how can i actually get to catch the eye of the admission officer when i send in my application?

I try not to give a ton of advice on here, but Caitlin, don’t worry too much. You’ve submitted your application really early, so there’s probably not a ton of paper floating around the admissions office yet. Also, they’re very understanding about stuff like this (Unlike Harvard or Stanford) so they more than likely just tell you to hard-copy it to them so they can staple it to your application. Don’t worry about this at all, Admissions is really cool about all this stuff.

essays, oh sweet *cough* memories :D

haha hunter’s comment about the typo ‘saving American livers’ (lives) cracks me up!

Hey Ben, Being an International Student, I am considering taking the TOEFL since i am eligible. I read about the minimum scores required as stated by Matt. He also stated specific scores that we should aim for or exceed. For the Internet Based Testing this particular score was 100/120. Although i know this is incomparable to the SAT Reasoning Test, I curious as to how you would compare a 100/120 in TOEFL iBT to an SAT score.

Great advice (as always), Ben. Obviously, its always better to write an original essay.

I had an enquiry about financial aid for international students. I’m an international applicant, about to apply for the class of 2012. I’m also going to apply for financial aid. On the MIT Financial Aid web site, it is stated that the first $ 5250 of the undergraduate student’s need is covered in loans and/or jobs. If there is any remaining need, then it is covered in scholarships and grants, which is money that doesn’t have to be paid back.

I would like to know whether the process of granting financial aid at MIT is the same, or different, for U.S. and international undergrad students. Is the maximum amount of need covered in loans/jobs equal to $ 5250, even for international students? Or can it be more?

In the MIT Freshman Application (PDF format), it is stated that MIT “may favor US citizens or residents in admissions and financial aid”. But it’s also stated that MIT meets “100% of a family’s calculated need”.

So does MIT meet 100% of the need of international students? If an international student’s need is large (e.g. more than $ 45,000), then will that international student get all the aid (incuding scholarships and grants) that he needs? And will scholarships and grants be the major aid component? (More than $ 39,750 in the example above.)

I’ll be glad if someone here can answer my queries.

hey, thanks for the advice!

I’ve recently been getting frustrated over the MIT essay topics because they do confine you into choosing one topic or the other, thus ruling out an essay that I wrote for my other top choices that I’m really sure represents me well.

so I’m just curious – why did MIT choose these two topics specifically, and do you know how the admissions at MIT would review essays differently than, say, Harvard, which does give you the option to choose “A topic of your choice”?

@Emma Hi! I’m no expert (not even in yet), but they need to know if you have “the match” to come to MIT. So I think they choose specific essays that can tell if you have it or not, and maybe that’s why they don’t give you the right to write about anything, in fear that they won’t have the informations about you they want. But that’s just a guess. But I find restrictions sometimes better because you have a direction to follow.

@Emma – I think the topics have been carefully crafted to produce the type of response that tells the admissions committee what they need to know. As effectively as you believe some things may represent you, if they didn’t help you overcome an “end of the world” situation, and if they weren’t part of the world that “shaped your dreams and aspirations”, MIT may not need to hear about them.

But then again, there’s always the completely optional question 14 on Part 2 of the app:

“No admission application can meet the needs of every individual. If you think that additional information or material will give us a more thorough impression of you, please respond on a separate sheet.”

Sounds like a topic of your choice is still an option. =)

@Caitlin – Nice vegetable metaphor. =) As many have said, the admissions office is totally amazing and cool about things like this. No worries, just send them a copy and let them know what you’re doing (Ben probably already knows, as we’re all talking about it on his blog, lol).

@Eldrick Saw – Try the What We Look For in Applicants page. The Match Between You and MIT page has some good info as well.

To correct Isshak, I would like to say that we might now what CAN happen(like a meteorite striking me 15 seconds after I post this comment), but we certainly don’t know what WILL happen and that makes life fun.

No meteorite, what a shame…

Ben, this was hard for me, because I had such great ideas for my son’s essays!

His disability gave him the perfect topic for Essay A: the heartbreak of not being able to attend mainstream school, the struggle with speech therapy and physical therapy, the search for a diagnosis, the years of home schooling, the fight for access to GCSE exam centres as a private candidate, and then finally his successful return to mainstream school. A heart-warming story about overcoming adversity. Perfect!

Well, he would have none of it. “That’s your story, not mine,” he said, and he was right. I was the one crying buckets over school, searching for a diagnosis, fighting for access to exam centres. He didn’t see himself as a victim; he was just getting on with it.

All right, then how about Essay B? We live near Stratford-upon-Avon, home of the Royal Shakespeare Company, and as a result he knows the works of Shakespeare as well as others know the works of J K Rowling. What a fantastic opportunity to show off his literary erudition!

No, not interested. If he’s honest, he, too, prefers Harry Potter to Hamlet.

In the end, he wrote about a disappointment of great significance to him that meant absolutely nothing to me. At least no one will ever think that his essay was penned by an expensive college preparation service! I can’t imagine what the admissions committee will make of it, but it’s all his.

@Mum in England Do not give up! The essay is not te only part of the application ; and do not forget that they MIT wants a picture of your son, and maybe his essay that doesn’t mean anything to you will reveal a lot of things to MIT, who knows ? I’ve been told many times not to give up, so you too don’t give up! We never know what can happen.

MIT Office of Admissions, will you hate me if I send in a resume listing my community service? Because I’ve done so much more than just 5 activities during high school. But I won’t send it in if it will give you guys an automatic reason to reject me ! Thanks.

Hi, quick question: I was at MIT and was told by a tour guide that my teacher recommendations need to come from a teacher who’s known me for at least a year and has had me in junior or senior year. Is this true, or can I submit a recommendation from a sophomore year teacher?

Writing your own eassay is certainly the way that MIT can understand the candidate. Only writing onself can reveal his/her originality which MIT wants to know.But does not it mean that to reveal yourself you should get a chance to select the topic of your own.For the easasy1 I shall be telling a story of mine but i have no context to write something like i like making freinds , I hate discrimination and lookism etc.

Thanks so much for this blog entry, it made me feel 100000x better about my essays.

I have a question for you regarding the optional “Tell us about something that you have created” essay. Does this have to be something unique? Say, for example, that I really love to bake apple pies (I don’t, but use your imagination). Could I write my optional essay on a pie that I’d made, even if it had been from a recipe in a cookbook and had little or no relation to math or science? Am I stretching the question too far to fit my hobby?

I have a question about length of the essay. My essay is around 550 words. Are the admissions counselors going to get mad over that?

I have a quick question about the online application…

there doesn’t seem to be an area for the required-but-not-core-classes section of the self-reported course work and there wasn’t enough room in the Additional Classes for all the art/computer/PE/Health/Theory of Knowledge classes I took.

…should I just fill them in other spaces?

Hello Ben, My son is applying for early action at MIT. We are coming to the information session in East Brunswick next week. I have been reading your blog entries and have found them very helpful. I do have a question, why doesn’t MIT accept the National Merit Scholarship money? Looking forward to seeing you in person, Haya

@Self-Advocator – The adcom will not hate you if you send them a resume, but they may think you’ve missed the point. Most every applicant has more than five activities they can rattle off, but your application readers want to see what is most important to you. The intensity of your involvement is much more important here than the number of activities you’ve done.

@Ginger – Your recommendation can come from any teacher who knows you well. I got recommendations for my app from my teachers after I had been out of high school for more than two years, but it was fine because they knew me well enough to write good recommendations.

@Ally – I don’t think you’re stretching it at all. Your creation could be anything, even an apple pie. The point is simply to hear about how much fun you had creating something of your very own and why you chose to do so.

@Akshay – I doubt they’ll get mad ; the word limit is a guideline (as opposed to a strict rule). But be nice to the admissions people and see if you can shorten it a bit. They have over 10,000 applications to read.

For the first essay prompt about overcoming a situation that seemed like “the end of the world”, does the situation have to be serious? Or can it be something that was discouraging while I was a child but seems funny now?

Thanks for the post, It was very helpful

A tip for applicants – Choose what you are going to write about, make an outline and just write. You may end up closer to 1000 words than 500. Restructure sentences to convey the meaning in fewer words. Look for whole sentences that you can remove without losing continuity and impact. Beleive me, there will be quite a few lines in the essay that can be taken out this way. You may have to make a few iterations. You may find you are down to 550 and that’s the best that can be done for what you are trying to convey. Good enough. Proofread, get one or two pairs of eyes to look it over and send it in. One more advice – Don’t wait until the last moment. If you finish the essays ahead of time, you can put them aside for a week and read them over. There is a good chance that you will be able to make it at least a notch better.

hi, Thanks alot for your advice. I believe you are absolutely right and it will be way easier for me to write from the heart and with my voice than composing an essay even i do not understand.

Essay that is written the goodest you can will be liked muchly. Y do peepel tries to be somthin they is not just to oppress otters and unknown individuals. I Like Mit and their fresh approach. If yer stupid, but honest they while leht you in.

thanks for all the comments and suggestions, they are in really good time.

could i know that approximately how many applicants to MIT were there from india and how many were accepted?

Woot! can’t wait until you come to NJ for the info session. Anyways, I have a question. I am a transfer student who switched his major. On one MIT admissions site it says that I am ineligible for transfer if i’ve been at my current college for more than 5 semesters (which I will be upon my applying for transfer), the other site says that I need to spend at least 4 semesters at MIT to be eligible ( which I will be upon applying). Are they both correct?

I agree with your comment on how the essays should be written.

However, I don’t think that the prompts encourage it. I am applying to MIT early, and I don’t feel that most of the prompts allow you to really connect and let someone know my real personality.

Thanks for the advice.

I’m working on my essay right now. Actually, I’m doing two essays and then figuring out which one I want to use, because I have two different ideas and I’m not sure which would represent me best.

Would it be best to include an essay that demonstrates my love of math and science or an essay that talks about something unique that I do? I want to make myself stand out, but I also want to make sure MIT knows that I love Chemistry.

Do 3-letter words count in the word counting process. My English teacher claims they do not. Just wondering- Thanks.

I just sent in my application online – and it completely ruined the format of my essay – taking out all quotation marks and making reading it very confusing. I uploaded a plain text file as my essay that was formatted with indentations and spaces between the paragraphs, but on viewing it in PDF, all the formating and quotation marks are gone.

Is there any way to fix this or will this just be a hard-learned lesson?

Hi im a sophmore at cass technical high school and am striving to go to MIT. but i know my english has always been a challegened for me and have never done real well on standarized test and was wondering if you could give me tips on writing better and for my vocabulary skills as well.

Even after reading this blog and all of the comments about it, I am still unsure about my essay decision. I was planning to write an essay, which would describe a particular day of my life, but is not exactly the answer to either of the prompts. Once I started writing it, it became quite obvious that 500 words is definitely not enough to say what I want to say. On the other hand, I feel that I could write a 500 word essay that described one particular side of me. I know that the first essay is way too long (1000 – 2000) words, but the smaller one would not show all of what I want to show about myself. I have been trying to make decision about what to do, but I just keep going in circles about it. Any advice?

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5 Marvelous MIT Essay Examples

What’s covered:, essay example #1 – simply for the pleasure of it, essay example #2 – overcoming challenges, essay example #3 – dreams and aspirations, essay example #4 – community at a new school, essay example #5 – community in soccer.

• Where to Get Feedback on Your MIT Essay  

Sophie Alina , an expert advisor on CollegeVine, provided commentary on this post. Advisors offer one-on-one guidance on everything from essays to test prep to financial aid. If you want help writing your essays or feedback on drafts,  book a consultation with Sophie Alina or another skilled advisor.

MIT is a difficult school to be admitted into; a strong essay is key to a successful application. In this post, we will discuss a few essays that real students submitted to MIT, and outline the essays’ strengths and areas of improvement. (Names and identifying information have been changed, but all other details are preserved). 

Read our MIT essay breakdown  to get a comprehensive overview of this year’s supplemental prompts.

Please note: Looking at examples of real essays students have submitted to colleges can be very beneficial to get inspiration for your essays. You should never copy or plagiarize from these examples when writing your own essays. Colleges can tell when an essay isn’t genuine and will not view students favorably if they plagiarized. 

Prompt: We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do simply for the pleasure of it. 

After devouring Lewis Carrolls’ masterpiece, my world shifted off its axis. I transformed into Alice, and my favorite place, the playground, became Wonderland. I would gallivant around, marveling at flowers and pestering my parents with questions, murmuring, “Curiouser and curiouser.” If Alice’s “Drink Me” potion was made out of curiosity, I drank liters of it. Alice, along with fairytale retellings like the Land of Stories by Chris Colfer, kickstarted my lifelong love of reading. 

Especially when I was younger, reading brought me solace when the surrounding world was filled with madness (and sadly, not like the fun kind in Alice in Wonderland ). There are so many nonsensical things that happen in the world, from shootings at a movie theater not thirty minutes from my home, to hate crimes targeted towards elderly Asians. Reading can be a magical escape from these problems, an opportunity to clear one’s mind from chaos. 

As I got older, reading remained an escape, but also became a way to see the world and people from a new perspective. I can step into so many different people’s shoes, from a cyborg mechanic ( Cinder ), to a blind girl in WWII’s France (Marie-Laure, All the Light We Cannot See ). Sure, madness is often prevalent in these worlds too, but reading about how these characters deal with it helps me deal with our world’s madness, too. 

Reading also transcends generational gaps, allowing me to connect to my younger siblings through periodic storytimes. Reading is timeless — something I’ll never tire of. 

What the Essay Did Well

This essay is highly detailed and, while it plays off a common idea that reading is an escape, the writer brings in personal examples of why this is so, making the essay more their own. These personal examples often include strong language (e.g. “devoured,” “gallivant,” “pestering” ), which make the imagery more vivid, the writing more interesting. More advanced language can add more nuance to an essay– instead of “ate,” the writer chooses to say “devoured, ” and you can almost see the writer taking the book in almost as quickly as they might polish off a tray of cookies. 

The writer also discusses how reading can not only be a solace from events that seem nonsensical, but a way to understand the madness in these events. By giving two different examples of how this can be so, that seem so varied from each other (the cyborg mechanic and the girl in WWII’s France), the writer creates more depth to this idea. 

What Could Be Improved

At the beginning, the writer should consider cutting the introduction paragraph by a line to leave more room for the two major points of the essay in the following paragraphs. Instead of a long sentence about a love of reading being kickstarted, the writer could create a short, powerful sentence to kick off the next two paragraphs. “I was in love with reading.” 

The detail at the end about how reading also transcends generational gaps seems like an add-on that doesn’t connect to the past two ideas– instead, I would suggest that this author expand a little more on the prior two ideas and tie them together at the end. “In this timeless world of reading, I can keep drinking from the well of curiosity. In the pages of a book, I have a space to find out more about the world around me, process its events, and more deeply understand others.”

Prompt: Tell us about the most significant challenge you’ve faced or something important that didn’t go according to plan. How did you manage the situation? 

“It’s… unique,” they say. 

I sag, my younger sister’s koala drawing staring at me from the wall. It always seemed like her art ended up praised and framed, while mine ended up in the trash can when I wasn’t looking. In contrast to my sister, art always came as a bit of a struggle for me. My bowls were lopsided and my portraits looked like demons. Many times, I’ve wanted to scream and quit art once and for all. I craved my parents’ validation, a nod of approval or a frame on the wall. 

Eventually, my art improved, and I made some of my favorite projects, from a ceramic haunted house to mushroom salt-and-pepper shakers. Even then, I didn’t get much praise from my parents, but I realized I genuinely loved art. It wasn’t something I enjoyed because of others’ praise; I just liked creating things of my own and the inexplicable thrill of chasing a challenge. Art has taught me to love failing miserably at something to continue it again the next day. If I never endured countless Bob Ross tutorials, I never would’ve made the mountain painting that I hang in my room today; if I never made pottery that blew up (just once!), I wouldn’t have my giant ceramic pie. 

I’m still light years from being an expert, but I’ll never tire of the kick of a challenge. 

The detail about the sister’s koala drawing being framed and praised while this writer’s portraits look like “demons” and bowls “lopsided” draws a nice contrast between the skills of the sister versus those of the writer.  In response to this “Overcoming Challenges” prompt , the author justifies that this is a significant challenge by saying that they “wanted to scream and quit art once and for all” and that they still desired their parents’ approval. 

The writer’s response to the situation—taking more tutorials online, creating many different pots before getting it right–is nicely framed. Many times, students forget to include examples that demonstrate how they respond to the situation, and this writer does a good job of including some of those details. 

The writer seems to emphasize the parents’ approval piece in the first paragraph, but then moves away from that point more to focus on the “thrill of chasing a challenge.” This essay could be improved by focusing a little more on how the writer emotionally moved past not getting that approval “Even then, I didn’t get much praise from my parents, but I finally realized I didn’t need to focus on that. I could focus on my love of art, on the inexplicable thrill of chasing the challenge…” 

Additionally, the sentence that starts with “Eventually, my art improved…” leaves the reader with the ques tion– how? Saying something like “Eventually, after many YouTube tutorials and a few destroyed pots, my art improved” would add detail, without taking away from the sentence about the Bob Ross tutorials and the pot blowing up. 

Prompt: Describe the world you come from (for example, your family, school, community, city, or town). How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations? (225 words)

When the school bell rang, I jumped on my bike and sped home to watch the Tom and Jerry cartoon. I took off my school uniform and sat in the living room, pressing the remote’s power button. I pressed it again frantically, feeling another heart drop as the screen remained black. “Oh my God,” I sobbed as I rushed up to ensure that all wires were properly plugged into their respective sockets, but the screen was still black.

I unplugged the television, disassembled it, and examined every component, starting with the power switch. I’ve been tinkering with old radios for a long time, so I easily realized that a power surge had destroyed its capacitor. I replaced it with one from my radio, and the TV turned on immediately. While I couldn’t watch the cartoon, fixing the TV not only made me happy, but it also piqued my interest in the digital world. I began looking into technical opportunities in my community, starting with a nearby repairing shop, where I became acquainted with electronic devices: smart phones, laptops, televisions, and printers. Today, if I’m not repairing people’s electronics, I’m amazed by integrating broken gadgets.

This writer does an excellent job of addressing the “dreams and aspirations” line of this prompt. They clearly describe how their interest in technology emerged, in a well-paced, energetic way that makes us readers vicariously feel their passion and excitement.

Additionally, introducing us to their love of repairing electronics through the seemingly mundane event of their TV not working is a smart choice, for two reasons:

• Everyone has experienced their TV, phone, laptop, etc. not working, so this story helps readers relate to the student
• They go on to talk about how they used their newfound skill to help others, and thus portray themselves as someone who views even the simplest occurrence as an opportunity to make the world better

Obviously, one of the main goals of the college essay is to connect with admissions officers, to get them personally invested in your story and, by extension, excited about your potential as an MIT student. Being relatable is one of the best ways to build that connection.

And, of course, MIT wants to accept students who are going “to advance knowledge and educate students in science, technology, and other areas of scholarship that will best serve the nation and the world in the 21st century” (per MIT’s mission statement). At such a selective school, grades and test scores alone won’t set you apart–aligning your values with theirs is critical, and this student does so in a natural, authentic way.

While this essay is well-written, there’s one major issue: the student doesn’t fully answer the prompt. As noted above, they focus primarily on the “dreams and aspirations” line, and while they do tell a compelling story, we don’t learn anything about their “ family, school, community, city, or town,” beyond a brief mention of a repair shop where they live.

Especially at highly selective schools like MIT, admissions officers choose their essay questions carefully, based on the information they feel they need to properly evaluate your candidacy. So, if you fail to answer part of a prompt, in a certain sense your application is incomplete. As you work towards the final draft of your essay, make sure you reread the prompt and confirm you’ve responded to it thoroughly.

In this essay, for example, the writer could have reworked the opening paragraph slightly, to include details about who they typically watch TV with, whether that’s their friends, siblings, parents, or someone else. They also could have gone into more detail about the repair shop, by describing what their boss was like, if they had any coworkers, and so on. These additions would make the student’s “world” come alive in a way it currently doesn’t. 

Of course, fully responding to a prompt while staying under the word count can be hard, but this student actually has 31 extra words at their disposal. And even if they had to make cuts elsewhere, answering all parts of a prompt takes priority over including every single detail in your story.

Finally, on a linguistic level, the ending of this essay is quite abrupt. In a relatively short supplement like this, you don’t need (or even want) a lengthy conclusion, but you should have a quick line or phrase to wrap up the story. 

For example, say the last line read something like “ Today, if I’m not repairing people’s electronics, I’m amazed by integrating broken gadgets, and dreaming of all the fixes I have yet to learn.” With just a few extra words, this version not only brings things full circle by connecting back to the prompt, but also subtly builds a bridge between the student’s current passions and their potential future at MIT.

Prompt: MIT brings people with diverse backgrounds and experiences together to better the lives of others. Our students work to improve their communities in different ways, from tackling the world’s biggest challenges to being good friends. Describe one way you have collaborated with people who are different from you to contribute to your community. (225 words)

Embarking in a new environment can be challenging, but when everyone is new, it can be disastrous. After completing grade 9, every Rwandan student is transferred to a new school to pursue advanced secondary schooling. When I transferred to a new school, people only talked to those who had previously attended the same school, resulting in fierce competition and people being unable to interact together.

In an effort to solve this problem, I brainstormed ways to bring the entire class together, and “The caremate game” came to mind. I assigned each student a caretaker, another student with whom they were unfamiliar, and required them to look after him / her for the entire week, which included telling stories, buying snacks in the canteen, jogging together, and so on. However, because some people would not accept this game in the first place, I spoke to the tastemakers in the class before introducing it so that they could persuade others.

Everything went as planned; some students who couldn’t even interact before ended up in relationships. Everyone wanted to play it again, and we ended up doing so three times. Today, we are no longer divided; rather, we are a family of brothers and sisters.

In this essay, which is responding to a creative take on the classic “Community” prompt, the student does a great job of showcasing several qualities that MIT prizes in its students: problem-solving, imagination, and empathy, as well as an ability to make a difference in their everyday life.

We also want to highlight that the same student actually wrote both this essay and Example #4. We point this out because these two essays work in tandem, to present the student as simultaneously inventive and altruistic, even in quite ordinary situations. This picture would not be as clear if the student has chosen to highlight one set of qualities in Example #4, and a different set here.

Because college applications are inherently limiting in how much information they allow you to share about yourself–nobody can pack their entire personality into a transcript, an activities list, a 650-word personal statement, and a handful of supplements–some students are tempted to pack as much about themselves into their supplements as possible. However, that approach typically ends up being counterproductive.

Of course, we are all multifaceted, but if you choose to present yourself in three different ways in three different essays, MIT admissions officers may be unclear on who exactly they’d be admitting to their school. Remember, they’re trying to determine not just how well you’d do at MIT yourself, but also how you’d fit into the broader freshman class they’re assembling.

For example, if you were to talk about your love of fixing electronics above and then, say, your Taylor Swift fandom here, admissions officers may have a hard time determining how those two pieces of your personality fit together. After all, they have no additional background context on you, and they also have no choice but to read applications quickly, because they have so many to get through. 

So, while having different, seemingly conflicting sides to your personality is part of being human, in the context of college applications specifically your goal should be to emphasize the same points in each essay, like this student. Cohesive applications are more memorable to admissions officers, as they clearly and directly show what that student has to offer that nobody else in the applicant pool does.

Just like there is some overlap between the strengths of this student’s essays, this essay’s biggest fault is a disconnect with the prompt, which asks applicants to “Describe one way you have collaborated with people who are different from you to contribute to your community.”

Remember, MIT admissions officers choose their prompts carefully. Including the bolded line, rather than having the prompt be just “Describe one way you have contributed to your community” means they want to see collaboration highlighted in your response.

While this student briefly mentions speaking “ to the tastemakers in the class before introducing it so that they could persuade others,” this is the only mention of collaboration in the essay, and we get no detail about what their conversations with these other students looked like, or the specific actions the other students took to ensure the success of the project. When a topic features so prominently in the prompt, you want to make sure you give it more than a passing glance in your response.

We also don’t get any explanation of what made these students different from the author. We can infer that they didn’t go to the same school before, but you never want to leave a key detail up to inference, as it’s always possible your reader doesn’t read you the way you intend. 

Additionally, going to a different school doesn’t tell us what made these students different on a deeper level. MIT wants to see that you’re prepared to thrive at a school with students from all corners of the world, some of whom will have drastically different life experiences from you. Because we don’t know what made this student different from their peers in terms of personality, background, etc., nor how they worked across that difference, we can’t envision how they’d navigate MIT’s diverse student body.

Overall, the takeaway here is that choosing a topic for a college essay is a two-fold process. First, you need to have a strong story, which this student does. But secondly, and just as importantly, you want to cater the details of that story to the specific prompt you’re responding to, so that admissions officers will have all the information they need to make a well-informed decision about your candidacy.

Prompt: At MIT, we bring people together to better the lives of others. MIT students work to improve their communities in different ways, from tackling the world’s biggest challenges to being a good friend. Describe one way in which you have contributed to your community, whether in your family, the classroom, your neighborhood, etc. (200-250 words)

“Orange throw!”

As I extended my arm to signal properly, the smallest girl on the orange team picked up the ball to throw it back into play. In AYSO, U10 players often lift their back foot when throwing the ball, so I focused my attention there.

Don’t lift it. Keep it down.

It shot straight up. 

My instincts blew the whistle to stop the game. The rulebook is simple: the rule was broken, give it to the other team. But the way she tried, eager to play, eager to learn and try again— I couldn’t punish that. So I made my way over to the sideline to try it myself.

“When we’re throwing it in, we wanna keep our back foot down. Try again!” After demonstrating, I backpedaled a bit and watched her throw again.

Don’t lift it. Keep it down… Ah, it stayed down.

“Nice throw!”

And just like that, we were off again. These short, educational encounters happen multiple times a game. And while they may not be prescribed, they provide so many learning opportunities. These kids, they’re the future of soccer. If they learn the basics, they can achieve greatness.

Every time I step out onto the pitch, that’s what I see: potential. Little Alex may not throw correctly now, but with work, she could become the next Alex Morgan. That’s why, in every soccer game I referee, every new situation I’m thrust into, I strive to see what’s more; I strive to see the potential.

There is so much imagery in this essay! It’s easy to see the scene in your mind. Through details such as “smallest girl” and describing the team as the “orange,” the reader can more easily picture the scene in their mind. Giving color, size, and other details such as these can make the imagery stronger and the picture clearer in the reader’s mind. 

The writer narrates their thought process through their use of italics, bringing the reader into the mind of the writer. The space for each line of dialogue separates each thought, so that the reader can feel the full emphasis of each line. The mingling of cognitive narration and details about the setting keep the momentum of the essay. 

Through this essay, we learn that this referee is supportive to the members of the youth soccer teams that they are refereeing; instead of seeing the role of referee as punitive (punishing), this writer sees it as a coaching experience. This idea of creating educational encounters as one’s contribution to the community is definitely a great idea to build upon for this essay prompt. 

The contribution to the community is clear because of the emphasis on the coaching aspect of refereeing. However, especially thinking about structure, the author spends about half the essay on a single situation. Limiting this story to a third of the essay could give the writer more space to provide examples of other ways that the author has coached others. The author could have also connected this coaching experience to a mentoring experience in a different context, such as mentoring students at the YMCA,  to create more connections between other extracurriculars and give more weight to this author’s contributions to the community. 

The second to last paragraph ( “And just like that, we were off again…” ) could benefit from another example or two about showing, not telling. The sentence “And while they might not be prescribed, they provide so many learning opportunities” is already clear from the situation that the author has given; the author has already called these “educational encounters” in the prior sentence. Instead of that sentence, the writer could have given another example about a child thanking the writer for a coaching tip, or the expression on a different player’s face when they learned a new skill. 

Additionally, the role of the writer is not immediately clear at the beginning, although it’s suspected that this student is most likely the referee. The writer also provides details about “AYSO” (American Youth Soccer Organization) and “U10,” where they could have simply referred to the games as “youth soccer games” to get the point across that the players are still learning basic skills about throwing the ball in. 

To make all of this clear, the writer could have said “As a referee for youth soccer games, I have seen that players often lift their back foot when throwing the ball, so I focused my attention there.” Acronyms are usually best to be avoided in essays- they can take the reader’s attention away from what is actually happening and lead them to wonder about what the letters in the acronym stand for.

Where to Get Feedback on Your MIT Essay 

Do you want feedback on your MIT  essays? After rereading your essays countless times, it can be difficult to evaluate your writing objectively. That’s why we created our free Peer Essay Review tool , where you can get a free review of your essay from another student. You can also improve your own writing skills by reviewing other students’ essays. 

If you want a college admissions expert to review your essay, advisors on CollegeVine have helped students refine their writing and submit successful applications to top schools. Find the right advisor for you to improve your chances of getting into your dream school!

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